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The Adventures of Captain Nipples and Poncho Ponchius

Episode 4

A Love Story...Sorta of...

 

Why is there injustice? Why is there inhumanity? Why is there hate, greed, and crime? Why did the chicken cross the road? To all of these questions there is only one answer. To find out call 1-800-HOT-GIRL and ask for Cindy. She knows alot of stuff! Well anyway, on to our story. This episode finds Captain Nipples and his faithful sidekick, Poncho Ponchius, relaxing at home one evening and reading magazines. Poncho turned to the Captain and asked, "What is the capital of Portugal?" The Captain answered "Your mother." "NO, really." said Ponchius. "Well," said the Captain "if I really wanted to know I would go to Lisbon and ask someone." "OH, Good point." Suddenly the nipple phone rang. Captain Nipples picked it up and said, "Captain's cat shack. You hit 'em, we skin 'em." (The Captain loved prank phone calls.) On the other end was the mayor of Orrvile, OH. He said, "CAPTAIN NIPPLES! COME QUICK! THE CARNIVORE IS ATTACKING!" "NNOO!!!" cried the Captain. "NOT THE CARNIVORE!" and while he was saying this his pants fell down (For you see, when Captain Nipples was at home, he liked to wear extremely loose-fitting lounge pants.) Soon Captain Nipples and Poncho Ponchius were flying to Orrville. Poncho Ponchius asked, "Who is the Carnivore?" "An old girlfriend of mine," replied the Captain. "I don't want to talk about it." As they landed in Orrville they noticed that there were no lights on. Captain Nipples turned to Poncho and said, "Did you notice that there are no lights on? I wonder if there is any place around here to eat." At that moment they heard a noise behind them. It was the sound of a manhole cover opening. As they turned around they noticed a foul stench in the air. "Woah! What died in here?" yelled Ponchius. "NO", said the Captain. "That's my ex-girlfriend." And thats when they saw her. Covered in bright red hair, she stood about 5'3. But man was she scary looking. Her eyes glowed bright green like radio-active waste. She had huge fangs, they reminded Poncho of his mother. "So we meet again Carnivore" said the Captain. "Didn't I tell you last time to stop eating garlic? Why won't you listen to me." "YOU JERK!" snarled the mangy beast. "I WASTED THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE ON YOU! YOU MADE ME TURN TO CRIME AND LIVING IN THE SEWERS!" "Hey sister!" yelled the Captain. "All I asked you to do was shave your back. I even offered to do it myself, but NO! You were into all of this woman's lib crap. So now your going to have to pay for all of your crime sister! PREPARE TO FACE MY FURY!!!" All this time Poncho was enjoying watching the lover's quarrel that was taking place in front of him, but he wasn't paying attention when the Carnivore jumped on top of him sunk her fangs into his neck and started to drain the life-blood out of his body. Soon his blood was all over her mouth and the pavement. The Captain was mometarily distracted with a craving for red JELLO from the Kasey College Cafeteria, but soon he realized what was going on. "NO!!" he screamed as he shoved the great hairy she-beast off of his helpless partner. His last words were, "Please, don't forget to feed my goldfish." Then he died. Then he said, "Be sure and use the goldfish flakes and not the other ones." And then he died. "And clean his bowl once a week." And then he died. "And read him a bedtime story every night at 8:27." AND THEN HE DIED! And just to make sure that he was dead the Captain ripped his heart out. And the Carnivore ate it. It was good. Tasted like chicken. The Captain was saddened by his little buddy dying, but soon he and the Carnivore were making out like two banshees in the summer heat on the banks of the Mississippi river on a clear night in June at about 11:01 PM. For you see the two had never stopped loving each other. And as the three of them walked into the sunset. (Yeah I know it was night time when the story started, but just watch some James Bond movies, and see what happens there.) And as the three of them walked into the sunset the Captain asked his two best friends, "So, you wanna go get a sandwich?"

 

THE END?