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The Adventures of Captain Nipples and Poncho Ponchius

Episode 6

Two Honkies a Black man and a Baby

 

As Evil Captain Nipples emerged from his molding, the steam rolled off him like the steam that rolls off fresh cow manure. But that smells a lot better. Evil Captain Nipples smelled like evil, death, and destruction. He smelled a lot like Herbie Miller. As the smoke cleared Herbie Miller and Captain Gadzooks did a happy dance of joy. But then Herbie Miller had to give himself 30 demerits for dancing. Oh well.

Evil Captain Nipples slowly walked to where Captain Gadzooks and Herbie Miller stood. He walked like a prissy, stuck-up model, but that's his own problem. As he approached Herbie Miller he cried, "Mama" and started sucking on Herbie Miller's nipple. "Oh sweet holy aunt Jemima!!" cried Herbie Miller as his nipple changed three shades of purple and he got a serious case of T.H.O. "He's acting just like a baby!" cried Capt. Gadzooks as he pried ECN's lips off of Herbie Miller's nipple. "Why'd you do that for? I was kind of enjoying it." "Sicko" muttered Capt. Gadzooks under his breath. He knew this wasn't going to work. There was no room in this secret lair for three men and a baby. His mooching, self-absorbed, annoying, african-american cousin Chris lived there too. And what if the mother came back. Then they might have to get married and live together and that might mean that he'd have to stop being a super-villain. Capt. Gadzooks didn't know if he was ready for that kind of commitment.

"This will never work," he told Herbie Miller. "We can't keep him until he becomes full grown. What are we supposed to do?" "Wait a minute," cried Herbie Miller while standing on his head. "Did you ever see that great film classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II? Remember those two monsters that Shredder created? They weren't fully grown either and look at all the damage they did." "Yes, but they also didn't poop their pants and drool all over themselves and by the way I think that our little clone needs changing." "No, that's me," said Herbie Miller. So while Herbie Miller went off to change his soiled underwear, Capt. Gadzooks tried desperately to think of a plan. He tried and tried. He thought and he thought. But no idea came into his head that wasnt already somebody else's. Capt. Gadzooks could never come up with his own plan. Then for once in his life he thought of something. Maybe he should make fun of Herbie Miller. But that wouldn't defeat Captain Nipples. Back to the drawing board.

Speaking of drawing boards, back at the Nipple Cave our beloved Captain Nipples was just putting the finishing touches on the plans for his dream house. It was beautiful. There was no other house like it anywhere. Unless you count Barbie's Dream House which the Captain had copied exactly. But lets not talk about that here. Pancho Pontius entered the room with a grin and a swagger. (Grin and Swagger were his pet kangaroos.) He spied the drawings on the table and yelled "Hey! Neato!" This 70s flashback caused the kangaroos to panic and jump all over the room and spilling ink all over Captain Nipple's lovely drawings. Of course in the mayhem, Pancho Pontius was crushed to death. And it was a good thing for him because if he hadn't then Captain Nipples would have beaten him to death with much glee. So the Captain had to take his aggressions out elsewhere. "I wonder if kangaroos make a good sandwich," he said as he lead Grin and Swagger off to the kitchen. "Over my dead body!" shouted the dead body of Poncho Pontius.

Herbie Miller emerged from the changing room in a fresh gleaming white pair of briefs. Herbie Miller couldn't help himself. His new briefs were making him so excited that he did the brief dance. And once again he had to stop and give himself 30 more demerits for dancing. Better watch it Herbie Miller or you'll get kicked out of school. And where would that leave old wifey? Huh? But enough about me, let's talk about you.

While Capt. Gadzooks was desperately trying to think of a plan that didn't involve dirt bike t-shirts, Herbie Miller once again impressed us all with his brilliant mind. "Alright. Hears the plan. What we need to do is to get our little Evil Captain Nipples to grow up really fast right? So all that we have to do is feed him some of that great brain food from the Kasey College Cafeteria. Stuff like freeto chili, chipped beef, crawfish, and mashed potatoes with jello-like gravy should make him real smart, real fast." "What a great idea!" shouted Capt. Gadzooks. "But how do we get food from the Kasey College Cafeteria?" "Simple," said Herbie Miller. "The spring semester is coming up soon right? All we have to do is enroll as a married couple with our lovely baby boy and attend college for a week or so. That should be enough time to let our little clone's mind grow. What could be simpler?"

How will college life be for our two super-villains and there bouncing baby boy? Tune in next week for the dramatic conclusion of this great story. This story is great! It must be written by someone really talented!

 

THE END?